Well if I thought I felt unsafe before...how about now that my country failed us, and by us I don't mean the libtards, I mean ALL of us. They may not get it yet, but it won't be long until they do. His cabinet picks are beyond ridiculous, even by his standards. But that's not why I came here to write today. It isn't even about how glad I am that my previously mentioned friend reached out to me and we are speaking again. It's not about how I am not speaking with my SIL again (and it's NOT because she voted for TFG, it's how she handled his win and disrespecting my need for some time alone, forcing herself on me again and again, just as TFG would, it's like they just can't help themselves, they don't know any other way than bullying and manipulation and lying).
I am up and down. Feeling hopeless, scared and then realizing it how nothing matters. In the end worry is ALWAYS a waste of time. It doesn't change the future, it certainly can't change the past. I am still reading, reading reading. Unfortunately I need to read 24/7 to escape the thoughts that counteract everything I read. I KNOW I need to focus strictly on THIS moment. What is good about right now. I KNOW that. I do. And there comes my damn brain telling me this moment is going to end. Describing the future in great detail. All a story I am making up because I do not KNOW. Over and over again, everything I think is proven wrong..all the stories I tell myself...wrong... I am wrong way more often than I am right. And yet... I keep telling those stories and treating them like facts. To be fair and kind to myself...I am a million percent better at recognizing that and stopping it. And, even better, being kind to myself when I do. I used to beat myself up, hating myself for telling the stories and buying into them. The latest book I've read has really driven that point home. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Laugh at the stories, thank them for trying to "protect" you by preparing you for the worst. (Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics-Dan Harris). It has helped to be kinder. And I want to add a "but" here, to say I still do too much beating myself up, but that's not very kind, is it? I'll just stick with being satisfied that I am improving, whatever the pace is.
I saw a documentary on George Carlin and something he said gave me a new perspective. It's been years since I saw it and I am still trying to incorporate the perspective because it feels like a good way to approach my remaining years. I won't get it verbatim but it was something along the lines of he started treating his time on earth as a spectator. Watching the "movie" that is life and laughing at how serious we all take everything. And when you step back, really step all the way out of what we are all doing here, it really does seem completely hilarious. All of it. War, wealth, entertainment, day to day worries. It is all so absurd when you think about where we are all going to end up. Dead. None of us knows if there is something after death and even if there is, maybe even ESPECIALLY if there is, it only makes ALL of THIS absolutely ridiculous. After we are gone, will we care at all what job we did? what food we ate? what TV show we watched? what color our car is? how our clothes fit? what our hair looks like? How we died? How we lived? Even if there is something after this, I don't believe any of us will give one damn thought to anything we did while we were here. In my version of afterlife I don't believe we can have regret-of course, don't forget I am almost always wrong. Now my own personal beliefs are that it does matter because I think if we get this "wrong" (and what wrong means, I have no idea) we will have to come back and do it again. And I may tell myself that because I do not want to do this all again. And that's not to say I don't find joy in being alive but living with THIS brain is exhausting and I have to believe the afterlife is brainless, I want it to just be peace and I can't have peace and a brain. Well not this brain. And that's why I read. I do have some hope that one day it will all finally click and I can have peace. I read the words, I understand the how. I just need to do it. I feel like I am getting there. I have moments. And moments are better than nothing. I just have to keep putting those moments together, closer and closer. I know it's not possible for anyone (ok for most people, there's probably some freaks out there capable) to always be content without any moments of frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness. It's all part of life. Stoicism says to embrace them, to treat them like all the good moments, to use them to our advantage.
My current book is The Obstacle is the Way-Ryan Holiday. I am trying to see how to use TFG's next presidency as the way, it certainly is an obstacle. I am only about 25 pages in, so I can't see it yet. But it's what prompted me to email my newly elected Senator. She's the first transgender woman elected to Congress and she's not receiving a friendly welcome from Nancy Mace. Trying to ban her from using the women's restroom at the Capitol. These people make me livid. So Mace is ok with having a rapist as POTUS, another child rapist (that's what Gaetz is, we can stop pretending sex with a 17 year old isn't child rape) in Congress but she can't stand the thought of a trans woman peeing in the stall next to her?? Make it make sense! I asked my senator what can I do to help her. I am tired of sitting idly by, raging while doing nothing. Surely we can all do more to stop this. We certainly can't rely on those in charge to do the right thing. They are still so worried about appearing "unfair" that they just keep letting injustices occur. We elected a fucking felon to our highest office and it seems only a few of us our outraged!
But doesn't that bring me full circle? When his second term is done (look he can't live forever...I didn't say it would be done in 4 years, because who knows anymore? Nothing makes sense.) and he is a distant memory (fingers crossed that I will still be here to see this) will any of this outrage, fear or worry be remembered or matter? The Stoics remind us that all of this has been done before, none of it is new to us. Not corrupt leaders, not pandemics. None of it. We aren't special, it's all been done before and clearly we don't remember it because we keep repeating the same stupid mistakes. And when we are laying on our death bed, won't it all seem trivial, irrelevant and even absurd?
And I think that's a fine place to close....because I think I brought my "weave" back to where I wanted to be. And, yes, I laugh at him because I still can and I am tired of being scared of a weak, pathetic conman who is in the early stages of cognitive decline (who knows, maybe midway). If I fall out a window to my death...you'll know who did it, especially since I live in rancher... I crack myself up... when I am not overthinking!
