I can't believe it's been almost a year since I have written. I write blogs in my head all of the time....at 1 and 2 in the morning. I know I could just write instead of laying there but I wear contacts and can't see to write on my laptop with glasses, so by the time I realize I won't be sleeping, I am already "blind". I like blogging because sometimes that stuff in my head is really helpful and since I am thinking it right before sleep I often don't remember my nuggets of wisdom the next time I need them. Then I have to re-remember how to handle whatever it is I was dwelling on that was interrupting my sleep.
I have been doing so much "work" on myself and I do feel it's helping and I want to write a "but" right now but some smart dude on twitter wrote a really good post about how if you stop using "but" and use "and" instead it can change your mindset, so I have gotten to the point where I notice the "but" and (see that--no "but"!) yet I still struggle with using "and". I think the whole point was that "but"'s focus on the things you aren't doing instead of the things you ARE doing...
We just passed the year mark of living in Tennessee. And the 13 month mark of my mom's death. I have so many thoughts on grief and grief advice but that's like an entire blog or more alone.
Today I just wanted to get something out there about where I am mentally. I am finding stoicism incredibly helpful and (stopped myself from the but!) at the same time it is hard for me to remember the things I need most when I need them the most. My bad days are when I need to remember the many tidbits of useful advice, I do find the time between forgetting and then remembering is getting shorter (often thanks to reminders from my husband). In other words, I don't stay down long enough to get truly depressed anymore. I do get stuck in anger a little longer than I'd like. I know this is a journey I will be on until the day I die. I was born with a brain that leans toward negativity but (I think this is a good "but" so I will let it stay) I also very much believe that I, alone, have the power to change that. I believe it's possible, I also believe it's not easy, I'm not one to quit so I have faith I will get there.
Some of my favorite things I have learned come from The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav and his follow up book The Heart of the Soul. He has a unique take on why we are here. He calls it Earth School. And there is no failing. Everything we encounter is a lesson meant just for us. And if I am getting the right message, what we need to learn is that the only power that matters is found within us, external power is just a distraction. Again, this would take a blog (or a book!) to explain fully.
When I look at my life and everything that happens as lessons, it's a little easier to accept things I don't like. And stoicism really helps with that too. Things aren't good or bad, by themselves. It's us who assigns those labels. (Many examples are given to illustrate how true this is, if you don't look at things from a personal perspective, it's much easier to see that.) Stoicism also reminds me that we can only control what we can control and one thing we ALWAYS control is our reaction to things/people. We don't have to react any particular way. We don't have to get angry, hurt, sad when someone "wrongs" us. And if we do (we are human after all) we don't have to stay with that reaction, we can recognize it and even analyze it to see what we are really feeling and it usually comes back to fear. I have been doing A LOT of work on being more emotionally aware and I have found lots of fear behind many emotions that I didn't initially perceive as fear.
I think my good days far outweigh my bad days (no!! NO "BUT") see...I can't find a way to say "and" here so I will just stop there...my good days outweigh my bad days...and when I have a bad day, I am quicker to "check" myself and remember the progress I continue making.
My goal is no longer to be happy, I realize that's a completely unrealistic goal..NO ONE is always HAPPY, but (yes but!) I can learn to ALWAYS be at peace with whatever is going on, by accepting that even when I don't feel "happy" I can live with whatever I am feeling knowing that it is something that I can learn from and that it is only temporary. Another stoicism: nothing lasts;good or bad, change is always happening.
And most of all I am still trying....try, try, trying to live in the NOW, I do believe that is the key to being successful in my journey--be present right here, right now for the good, the bad, the boring, the exciting, the whatever because now is the only thing we are guaranteed.
