I took the day off because I had a colonoscopy yesterday and was afraid of how I'd feel today...and it was a night shift and I still don't like to work night shifts (so it was really mostly that, but hey it's a good excuse)
First off...it is such an easy thing to do to give yourself peace of mind that you don't have a horrible disease lurking inside you, so just do it!!
Over the years I have heard and relayed to my patients that the worst part is drinking the prep stuff. Now I know I was giving accurate advice. OMG that shit is awful! I hate gatorade so that doesn't help...it's like the sweetest drink with a salty aftertaste. Lessons learned: no need to drink it fast, so DON'T, use a straw, follow each sip with a gulp of water. And it really is the worst part. I ate almost 2 small boxes of jello and that's it, wasn't really overly hungry. Not drinking after midnight was a bit tough, I hate having a dry mouth. Other than that no big deal...I mean my overthinking brain worried about all the ways I could die from the procedure or the anesthesia, but I survived with a clean bill of health and no need to do it again for 10 years! WOOHOOOOO
What about the rest of my life?
The usual.
Ups and downs.
Sometimes I get so tired of not having control. I've had more suicidal thoughts in the last few months then in I don't know how many years. And not because I don't want to live. But because of the frustration and realization that this is what my life is. I have depression. It's a life long condition. I have revisited the idea of antidepressants and to me that isn't living. I remember that life and it sucked. I don't define life as just being here and breathing. I want to be present. I don't want to take pills so I can take up space and just be here. I tried CBD, didn't do anything. I am now trying ashwaganda. It's from a plant. I want everyone to know I AM TRYING. I am a fighter. It's why I am still here. Sometimes I get tired of fighting and that's when the thoughts come, that the only way out is ....out. But I know I want to be here. I used to get through it by telling myself it wouldn't last forever, one day menopause would come and with it relief. I don't believe that anymore, so it's been hard dealing with that. I try to remind myself the lows don't last forever. But when you are in it, you think it is forever. I try to tell myself the good days are more frequent than the bad. But when you are in it, it doesn't feel that way.
The tattoo has helped. I have looked at and thought I don't want my body found with this and someone think "she failed". And why I think I would care what anyone thinks when I am dead is just stupid, but hey if it keeps me from doing something stupid, I'll take it. I also look at it and ask myself "Is this how I want my story to end?" Sometimes that's enough. Other times I tell myself to shut up and stop being poetic and gushy that life sucks and dig deeper into my misery.
It helped me be less anxious about dying during the colonoscopy, because I knew it would be an end to this roller coaster. I would finally be at peace.
It's not what I want. I want to live. I am more and more optimistic about my marriage than ever. What I want is just another thing I can't have and I have to accept it. I will never have a life long love not marred by infidelity (I mean being 90 and having spent 50 years of fidelity together--can't happen...I am too old to have that with someone new) and I will never be someone who doesn't suffer with depression. I actually think the first one is much easier to accept. I know I can still have many years of happiness in this marriage, without either of us failing each other. What I don't know is if I can survive every low that will come my way in the future, every completely out of my control low. Doesn't matter how I think, doesn't even matter if I took antidepressants, there will be lows. And what I don't know is if my brain will fail me and succumb to the lure of wanting to escape them forever.
I am in a good place now and can't imagine failing but it wasn't that long ago that the urges were strong and I still can feel myself fighting them and knowing how hard it was. And how unsure I was. And how they sometimes pop up at unexpected moments, hoping to catch me off guard so I won't even know I need to fight. Filling my head with weird ways to end it.
Switching gears: I learned something new about anxiety. A friend shared a post on facebook that made me look at anxiety, well really anger, in a different way. It seems quite obvious in retrospect, but sometimes I need things spelled out for me. Our relationship has been doing much better but I still have rage episodes, actually it's fair to call them extreme anger now, I think the rage is pretty much gone. I get so angry and the anger just builds and I feel helpless to stop it. I feel like I have forgiven him for most of what he did. I still haven't been able to forgive the flat out lying when I was crying and telling him how real it felt that he was cheating and him blaming my hormones. That is going to take a long time, if ever, to forgive. It is the most heartless thing he did. So I get confused as to why I can still get sooooo mad when so much time has passed and we have come so far. This post was a woman explaining anxiety to a partner. (I'll see if I can find a link and put it at the bottom). One of the things she mentioned was that anxiety is fear (duh) and that fear can be expressed as anger...hmmm...I have started paying attention. When I am yelling, it is fear. I am still so afraid. Afraid I may be wrong about him, wrong to give him yet another chance. Even though all of the evidence suggests otherwise, he's doing everything right. There is still fear. If I can stop and remind myself that I am not angry, I am scared, I think I can finally stop the yelling. The yelling hurts both of us, he has suggested it hurts me more than him and I think he's right. Physically it is so detrimental to me. I feel my heart racing, my head throbbing, nausea, I dig my nails into my palms, wanting to feel real pain instead of just emotional pain, my throat hurts, my eyes hurt. And I hate myself for feeling out of control. It is definitely not good for me. Or us. He claims he goes to a calm place, listening but somehow protecting himself. I worry he will grow tired of it, Tired of feeling bad about himself, because everything I scream at him is true. There's no denying that. But I have come to terms with it, accepted it and that's why I hate that I feel like I can't stop myself. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I am hoping if I remind myself that it's fear, I can just ask for comfort instead of feeling the need to lash out.
In a few days we will have another anniversary. 23 years together, 18 married. I try not to think about it too much because I still haven't figured out a way to celebrate that doesn't feel like a lie. I feel like an anniversary should be about celebrating the day you made promises to each other, but if those promises weren't kept, what are we celebrating? I need to find another way to look at it but I have yet to find a way around that question.
We will see how it goes. At least hormones shouldn't be an issue....last month was a doozy, but a period is just ending so I should have at least a few days of peace.
here's the link...hope I did it right!
https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/shes-not-broken-to-the-man-whose-wife-or-partner-has-anxiety/?fbclid=IwAR0Y64l09c7affzn6I8EcJ4fZGNJS7fOGntd-G7ctcZ-PVDMQ-pxASineug
