It's been awhile. And I've been up and down. I went through a spell of despair and hopelessness. I had thought the year anniversary would come and go and things would be easier...no more firsts after the affair. (first birthday, first Christmas, etc.) I still tell myself that I can control these obsessive thoughts that start. I want control. I hate having no control. And so I was losing control more often. I felt like instead of things getting better they were worse and seriously thinking this was to be my life if I continued trying to make it work. A life filled with screaming rages of confusion about how he could do this and why the hell I was giving him another chance. Hating myself for loving him. Hating him for doing all of the right things which made it harder to leave. Wishing he was a complete asshole, so I could justify giving up.
And then his therapist said something that made me feel a million times better. He talked about the Hispanic tradition of Dia de los muertos. Day of the dead. They celebrate the lives of people they have lost every year near Halloween. However...ONLY AFTER it's been a full year. If the person died in December they don't recognize the death until the second Dia de los muertos, because they believe you need a full year to grieve. What does this have to do with me??
I am grieving the loss of the marriage I believed I had. And according to his therapist, it is more common for an anniversary to cause a complete backslide than to be a milestone for healing. What I experienced was completely normal. I know it's stupid to compare myself to others. We all have unique experiences and ways of dealing with things. But it matters to me that I am not over reacting, that I am "normal". I need to know I am not alone in my reactions. And that's why I share this with the world, I know it helps to see how others handle things. So here I am admitting that I fell. Fell far. Fell to hopelessness, fell to thinking I had no choice but to give up on us. I didn't WANT that, but I was so sure that I should be feeling better that I thought since I was WORSE, that meant I would never get better. Hearing him tell me what the therapist said gave me instant relief. I know it sounds bizarre. But the burden I was carrying of trying to pretend everything was getting better when I knew how hopeless I was feeling was just so immense.
Coupled with that realization, I had stumbled across a book called The Five Languages of Love. It's a small book, but it, too, had a huge impact on how I felt about our future. In a nutshell, each of us needs to receive love in a specific way to feel loved.
Words of Affirmation - pretty self explanatory --verbal or written words expressing how you feel about each other
Quality Time -- again pretty self explanatory-- not just watching TV together but really BEING together
Receiving Gifts -- not just monetary, but meaningful gifts, it's not about the gift, as much as the other person knows you were thinking of them
Acts of Service -- doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, etc
Physical Touch
They all seem straight forward, right? But if you are showing your loved one your love in a way that doesn't really mean that much to them, their "love tank" becomes empty.
Through the years, I learned to show him love by giving him what he gave me. He wrote me poetry, I reciprocated. We always made time for each other, worked our work schedules to maximize our time together, gifts have never been a big deal to either of us, but we did our fair share of buying little things here and there. Acts of service was where he really shined. He did so much for me, I, naturally, thought if I did the same for him he would feel the love I felt. I thought by loving him the way he loved me that he was as I happy as I was.
But here's the thing, I have never been touchy-feely. Never been much on kissing or hugging, I am a get to the good stuff kinda gal. And all along his primary love language has been Physical Touch. And not even me touching him, just touching in general. He needed to touch me and because I wasn't that responsive to touch, he must have just stopped and instead of asking for it, he sought it elsewhere. Maybe you will wonder why if that's what he needed did he not want to spend time with her in person? I know I asked that. And the thing that saved our marriage is...she isn't a touchy-feely person either. She offered him a maternal love, that he thought he needed, but it was more a bossy mom (eat more, you're too skinny, etc) instead of a huggy, kissy mom. So his "in-love" experience fizzled much faster than the normal pace and instead of still being head over heels 5 months in...he was ready to walk away the second the affair was discovered.
We took the quiz at the end of the book. I am fairly spread out with my languages of love, which again, probably saved our marriage. I didn't stop feeling loved even when he loved someone else because he was able to make me feel loved in more than one way. My primary language is Words of Affirmation, which is why when he started being mean to me, I started to question my love for him. His words mean the most to me. And now with him being a liar, I have lost that. It is something I need, but luckily not the only thing I need. The next three scored about equally. And he continued giving me acts of service and even quality time. All that I lacked was gifts, and that wasn't a relationship ender. My score for touch was negligible.
His scores were a completely different story...12 is the highest possible...he got a 10 for Physical Touch. (mine was a 2). No wonder he felt unloved. I had no idea how much he needed to touch me and to be touched. Our sex life had dwindled to maybe once a month. He wasn't getting any touch at all.
This doesn't absolve him from blame. All he had to do was ask. You may remember the one time I asked to be held and caressed during the affair (while I was accusing him and he was denying). He said to me "What makes you think I don't need that?" And I gave it to him. And took nothing in return. I believe that also got through to him and made him know on a subconscious level that he was so wrong about my love for him not being enough. But he continued with her.
It helps me to know that I could have done something -- I don't feel that I have no control. I can keep his love tank full. I know how now. I can't be blamed for something he kept from me. But now I know. If he chooses to lie and cheat in the future it will NOT be because I didn't give him what he needed.
And so those 2 simple things have put me back on the path of hope. I have been happier and more at peace...even with this bitch Flo driving me insane with her rollercoaster of hormones!!
In a few days we are headed to the Grand Canyon to celebrate my half a century on this earth. All the love languages will be in full force and it's going to be a wonderful end to 2018.
I hope you all have a merry Christmas and the happiest of new years!!
