I have never thought I was pretty. Well, that's not quite true, I had Glamour Shots done and after their makeup and hairdo and photoshopping, I thought the pics were pretty.
I don't think I ever really thought about it until 4th grade. I got a REALLY short haircut and was even mistaken as a boy by a substitute teacher. That's when it all started to go downhill. Shortly after that we moved. Moving is hard enough for a confident kid, that haircut and the mistaken identitiy killed my confidence.
After that I remember only focusing on the negative. And there was(were?) a lot of negatives. I would scream at God...not out loud, but instead of praying. I can remember crying and asking why? Why wasn't it enough to curse me with red hair? Why did I have to have freckles, be short, be small for my age, get pimples, need glasses? Why on top of all of that did he have to make my sister pretty? I was miserable and full of self hate. All I wanted was for boys to think I was pretty. My sister had boyfriends from kindergarten and on. I honestly believed I would die a spinster. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
In eighth grade I ran a time trial in gym and caught the eye of the high school Cross Country coach. This is when I finally started to feel confidence in something. I even dared to like boys and have crushes. Eventually I would end up dating (and engaged to) a fellow runner. It wasn't long until running no longer gave me confidence, I was told my thighs were developing and slowing me down. The tiny body that made me fast was finally going through puberty and ruining my running career! At this point I didn't really care, I had a boyfriend now and that was all that mattered. I clung to him, even though I never believed him to be the husband I wanted, I was sure he was my only chance. The biggest reason he wasn't marrying material was because he wanted to be a doctor. While most girls would think that's great, all I thought about was the constant threat of nurses chasing him (yes I watched too much TV) and the fact that he wouldn't be at home enough.
Once I got to college, I traded him in for a complete ass. A cocky guy who was not my type at all, but so confident that one drunken night I screwed up and hooked up with him. He then proceeded to cheat on me for the first 8 months, and there were red flags but again, I thought (and he reinforced it) that he was my only chance at being a wife. Even after the cheating was discovered, I was constantly told that he was the best I would ever do. Never did he make me feel pretty. And when I finally left him, he actually had the nerve to blame our non existent sex life on the fact that I was wearing sweats and no makeup while taking care of our baby. What makes that especially funny, is the absolutely frumpy ass ugly sweatshirt and baggy ass sweatpants he would wear...long before we ever had a baby. So I was supposed to keep myself looking perfect, but he could be a slob.
Enter Dave. Dave has always made me feel beautiful. I have never understood it but always believed that he truly felt that way. Here was this amazingly handsome and kind, good guy and he felt that way about me. After being with Dave I actually started to think I was too good for my ex.
But here we are 19 years later and I still don't think I am pretty.
I bring this up now because the number of strangers telling me I am pretty or a beautiful woman or some variation on that has increased dramatically. I am getting older and any possibility Dave had of ever convincing me that I was pretty is dwindling every day as I see the wrinkles and now the white hairs, appear. What are people seeing when they look at me? Am I too critical of myself? Don't they see that crevice the size of the Grand Canyon between my eyes? The one that makes my restless bitch face bitchier.
It isn't just older men, or even men at all. I had a lady absolutely raving about my hair the other day. We were talking about hair cuts and she said "Even if someone gave you a bad haircut, with your natural beauty, it wouldn't matter" WHO was she looking at? I get lots of compliments on my eyes and my hair...maybe those individually are okay, but what about my yucky nose and freckled face and all those lines I am getting??
All of this got me thinking...what would it take for me to believe I am pretty?
Of course my first thought was "If Rick Springfield said it, I'd believe it" (Yes, I know I have issues with the Rick obsession) But, as I thought about it, nope that wouldn't do it either. He's such a nice guy, especially to his fans, he would tell anyone they were pretty.
I concluded that as long as I have a mirror, I will never believe it. I am just too hard on myself. But the up side is....I have long passed caring anymore...as long as Dave finds me beautiful that is all that matters. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to delay this aging process because I still think one day he will look at me and see an old lady and with his damn eternally youthful appearance he could trade my wrinkled ass in for a twenty something chick. (But I know you won't honey....because you love me...ME....not what I look like! Thank you!!)
I have gotten better at taking compliments. Before I kind of treated people like the liars I thought they were, now I just smile and thank them...Dave helped me with that!
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Running post--no more running alone!
I figure since I mention running in the title of my blog, I should probably blog about it once in a while! :)
So, a couple of months ago, the hubby decided to start running with me again. He has done it before but never lasted...first he had a knee issue that turned out to be a torn meniscus. He had surgery but still had some pain occasionally and decided since he didn't like running anyway, he just wasn't going to do it. So I was back to running alone. Don't get me wrong, I like to run alone...sometimes...but I really like running with him.
Since he stopped there have been several more articles written about the positive effects of running. The most recent stating that even just 1 mile 5 times a week would improve your health and help stave off the effects of aging. Even moreso than just walking....something to do with the differences in cadence and muscles used...who knows...it was months ago that I read it...I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I don't remember....
So I mentioned that to him. I reminded him that his knee only ever hurt after running more than a mile. Some weeks went by and then he brought up that he might want to try running again. We started off with a short walk to the park (a little less than half a mile) and then we'd run in the park about a mile and a half, so he could be on a softer surface. Then we'd walk home. We now walk to the park and then run home, total running is about 2 miles, sometimes a bit more.
Another issue we had is that he is 6'4" (well 6'3" now!)....so his stride is obviously much longer than my 5"3" stride. I tend to run my normal runs fairly slow...I am not training for anything, and just doing it for my enjoyment so why push it, right? Typically I would run 3 miles at an average closer to 10:30...the first mile being slower and the last faster. If I ran longer, oddly enough, I would average 9:30. It really takes me 3 miles to get warmed up and then those last miles just fly by. Yet when I race a 5k, I average 8:15....but that's with training and adrenaline. I think I am just too lazy to run fun runs faster.
He seems to prefer to run at about 9:30. This isn't quite as big of a problem for me when we do the warm up walk but still I do struggle a bit for the first few laps.
During this time I also finally had it with my shitty watch...the Garmin 405. Hated it from day one...and suffered with it for 2 years, because hey I'm "poor" now and can't just drop a hundred or more bucks every time I get annoyed by a gadget. I finally sucked it up and got a new one...one without so many bells and whistles, the Garmin 10. I LOVE IT! It actually has a feature (probably the 405 had it, but buried somewhere in it's gawdawful menus) that lets you know if you are on, under or ahead of PACE. You set the pace. I really wanted to set it at 10, for when I run, but compromised and set it for 9:45, figuring that was closer to where he likes to run.
After using it, I am now running even my solo runs faster, and yet it still feels comfortable. I guess part of this is due to running faster with him, a couple times a week for the past couple months, but I think part of it is the gentle reminder that I am behind pace. It could also be that while I am running about the same number of weekly miles, it is split over 3 really short runs and 1 longer run or even sometimes just 2 really short runs and one really long run....for example, ideally I'd like to see Dave run 3 times a week, 2 miles, but due to time constraints of trying to get workouts in and not do too much on his work days, it doesn't always happen. So on those weeks where we only run twice I run my solo run at 5 or 6 miles instead of 3 or 4.
He still says he doesn't like running but admits that he does feel better in real life...at his physically demanding job, especially.
So now we can add running to one of the many physical activities we do together.
The one down side is there just aren't enough hours to workout, run and hike (can't remember the last time we hiked!) and play tennis (which we have only done once since getting racquets)....and soon summer will be here and we will need to add laying, er, ummm. I mean swimming in the pool! :)
But, hopefully, once we get to actual retirement age and have more free time, we will be able to do ALL of these things because we took the time to keep in shape now!
So, a couple of months ago, the hubby decided to start running with me again. He has done it before but never lasted...first he had a knee issue that turned out to be a torn meniscus. He had surgery but still had some pain occasionally and decided since he didn't like running anyway, he just wasn't going to do it. So I was back to running alone. Don't get me wrong, I like to run alone...sometimes...but I really like running with him.
Since he stopped there have been several more articles written about the positive effects of running. The most recent stating that even just 1 mile 5 times a week would improve your health and help stave off the effects of aging. Even moreso than just walking....something to do with the differences in cadence and muscles used...who knows...it was months ago that I read it...I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I don't remember....
So I mentioned that to him. I reminded him that his knee only ever hurt after running more than a mile. Some weeks went by and then he brought up that he might want to try running again. We started off with a short walk to the park (a little less than half a mile) and then we'd run in the park about a mile and a half, so he could be on a softer surface. Then we'd walk home. We now walk to the park and then run home, total running is about 2 miles, sometimes a bit more.
Another issue we had is that he is 6'4" (well 6'3" now!)....so his stride is obviously much longer than my 5"3" stride. I tend to run my normal runs fairly slow...I am not training for anything, and just doing it for my enjoyment so why push it, right? Typically I would run 3 miles at an average closer to 10:30...the first mile being slower and the last faster. If I ran longer, oddly enough, I would average 9:30. It really takes me 3 miles to get warmed up and then those last miles just fly by. Yet when I race a 5k, I average 8:15....but that's with training and adrenaline. I think I am just too lazy to run fun runs faster.
He seems to prefer to run at about 9:30. This isn't quite as big of a problem for me when we do the warm up walk but still I do struggle a bit for the first few laps.
During this time I also finally had it with my shitty watch...the Garmin 405. Hated it from day one...and suffered with it for 2 years, because hey I'm "poor" now and can't just drop a hundred or more bucks every time I get annoyed by a gadget. I finally sucked it up and got a new one...one without so many bells and whistles, the Garmin 10. I LOVE IT! It actually has a feature (probably the 405 had it, but buried somewhere in it's gawdawful menus) that lets you know if you are on, under or ahead of PACE. You set the pace. I really wanted to set it at 10, for when I run, but compromised and set it for 9:45, figuring that was closer to where he likes to run.
After using it, I am now running even my solo runs faster, and yet it still feels comfortable. I guess part of this is due to running faster with him, a couple times a week for the past couple months, but I think part of it is the gentle reminder that I am behind pace. It could also be that while I am running about the same number of weekly miles, it is split over 3 really short runs and 1 longer run or even sometimes just 2 really short runs and one really long run....for example, ideally I'd like to see Dave run 3 times a week, 2 miles, but due to time constraints of trying to get workouts in and not do too much on his work days, it doesn't always happen. So on those weeks where we only run twice I run my solo run at 5 or 6 miles instead of 3 or 4.
He still says he doesn't like running but admits that he does feel better in real life...at his physically demanding job, especially.
So now we can add running to one of the many physical activities we do together.
The one down side is there just aren't enough hours to workout, run and hike (can't remember the last time we hiked!) and play tennis (which we have only done once since getting racquets)....and soon summer will be here and we will need to add laying, er, ummm. I mean swimming in the pool! :)
But, hopefully, once we get to actual retirement age and have more free time, we will be able to do ALL of these things because we took the time to keep in shape now!
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