So...it's been about 3 months since we left Pennsylvania. I have to admit I had much concern over moving here at the start of summer. I mean, I hate winter and all but did I really want to get thrown right into 100+ days, EVERY DAY??
This week's forecast only has a couple days with 100's. And, yes, I am crazy, but YES I will miss summer. The lows are in the 70's and that screws with my pool temperature. We got a cover recently because it just wasn't getting to a temp I liked, even with 110 degree days! Now we have a working thermometer (Thanks Michael!) and I have discovered that 94 may be a bit warm but 90 is a bit cool. The cover helps immensely. We may be getting the pool heater fixed with our home warranty (why didn't I think of that sooner?) but without jobs, I don't see us using it too much in the winter--unless we have guests....guests that swim. My son got in the pool ONCE in the 6 weeks he was here. I think he left the house less than 10 times!
Where was I? So the dreaming part....well all I really wanted was warm weather and palm trees. I have gotten both in abundance! There were a couple days it was a wee bit too hot...correction...too HUMID. I can take one or the other but not both. Right now it is East coast humid...and raining for the second day in a row!! WTF?!?!? Mr. Mann....oh Mr. Mann...you LIED! But the temp is so low it really feels good...with the swamp cooler...we have barely used our AC...first out of fear of the sky high California electric prices (an overstated rumor...our house is larger and our bill is about the same). Granted MOST people probably would use the AC more....but I LIKE to be warm. In PA, I sat around with a blanket, even in the summer... But now we have started using it when we NEED it and still find we just don't need it.
So any worries over the summer being too hot were unfounded...don't get me wrong it is HOT...but definitely not too hot...when my son agrees that Philly is hotter with the humidity, you know it must be true...he does not like hot weather...
Cost of living....yes gas is more expensive...maybe 20-30 cents a gallon. BUT we live near everything now....no more 45 minute trips to the mall! Or 20 minute drives to a restaurant. So that will probably even out. Health insurance is a bit more...hoping a job will help with that, but it seems employers just don't give a shit anymore...and you can blame Obama if you want but the real problem is way more complicated. Home and car insurance is a little more but property taxes are soooooo much less we are still ahead there. Food seems comparable, some things are more (all bottled beverages have a 5 cent per bottle CRV charge but we don't really drink bottled beverages) and some are less (can you say all you can eat avocadoes!!). Car registration is not nearly as bad as we had heard...if you factor in that you don't need inspections, it comes out pretty close.
But what about the FIRES, the EARTHQUAKES, the MUD SLIDES!??!? We have already experienced more fires than usual and it's not even fire season. We are located somewhere that won't burn because of a forest fire.. but yes the smell and ash were annoying, I think 2 days were bad. To give up rain nearly every friggin' day...it's a fair trade off. I guess there have been some earthquakes in the area...we haven't felt any yet (knock on wood) and the last damaging ones were in the 90's...some would say we're due...still beats hurricanes and tornadoes and snowstorms! Haven't heard of any mudslides but, again, where we are it's flat...not gonna affect us.
The only negative aspect of moving when we did is it's "off season"...the winter people don't come til October through April. So finding a job has been tough. Luckily we planned ahead, so we can make due...if we had jobs, I wouldn't hesitate on buying some things we WANT, not need, but the silver lining is we got to spend a lot of time in the pool and we have some kick ass tans! If we don't have jobs by November, I will probably freak out...not because of money as much as I really miss being around people. The volunteer training session for the zoo is early October and I am really looking forward to that!
I absolutely love having the birds in their own house. Dave would probably say we spend less time with them but it doesn't seem to be affecting them. I think they like their new digs! And the time we do spend with them is more pleasant for all concerned! We are still working on a way to have them outside with us while we are in the pool, but I don't think they would enjoy the summer weather anyway so we have some time to figure it out before it gets cool enough for them to enjoy.
To sum it all up the living has surpassed my dreaming. I really, really, really love it here! I can't wait to get jobs so it feels like we LIVE here and aren't vacationing here....but who knows maybe with the beautiful weather and palm trees it will ALWAYS feel like vacation!
Now if this rain would just stop....I have NOT gotten to the point that I missed it and am fascinated by it like other SoCal'ers!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
How about a Random Rambling Running post?
So...I mentioned how I started running--well rather why, not how....at the suggestion of the high school cross country coach. Going through some old stuff I found my Presidential Fitness test results...do they even still do those tests? Or are our kids too fat now? Or maybe if makes some of them "feel bad" so we can't do it anymore.... Anyway...my best time was 2:02 for 600 yards in 7th grade. It was then 2:03 in 8th grade. I don't have the inclination to see if that was any good or not...according to the chart it was in the 90 or 95 th percentile, I forget...that was yesterday, I'm old now and don't retain things very long. (doing some crap on Lumosity, a website that I read about in Health magazine...it's free brain training games if you are interested--we'll see if it helps)
Where was I? This is definitely going to be a disorganized mess so settle in and bear with me.
I mentioned I did pretty well (or is it good?--damn grammar Nazi's always making me second guess myself--I gave up on punctuation, damn commas!). I broke the 6 minute mile mark...once. I would love to get in the 6's now. I don't do a lot of speed training and never had access to a track but back in PA, I did get down to 7:30 without an all out effort. Right now it's just too damn hot...I am lucky to run a couple feet at an 8 minute mile....did I lose all of you non-runners yet?
This is boring even me!
Why I stopped running.
I ran in 9th, 10th and 11th grade. I was dating a guy a year ahead of me. After he went off to college I just didn't care about running anymore. Oh and I was starting to suck...and when you have low self esteem you certainly don't need to keep doing something to remind you that you suck! I was getting thighs, which my coach informed me wasn't a good thing for runners...oh to have that scrawny little body I hated in middle school. There was a better runner on the team..(who may be reading this? -- sorry we were good friends but part of me hated that you came in an stole all the attention!) and hey it was my Senior year, aren't we supposed to slack off?? So I just stopped...and that was it. Didn't think about it for years. Didn't exercise at all really...just some water skiing here and there.
Then I heard about Oprah running a marathon and I thought if she could do it maybe I could do it. I put it in my bucket list and would mention it from time to time but never really even thought about what it would mean to run 26.2 miles. I kept saying I'll do it...before I turn 30...before I hit 35 before 40. Then I thought surely I was too old....
Why I started running again.
It's the annual Family Christmas get together in 2009 and my cousin is there...I forget how the topic came up, maybe she had just ran another marathon (she's run a lot!)...we may have mentioned the Biggest Loser's running marathons (after seeing that I really became interested in running a marathon again)...I don't know what happened but I said I had always wanted to run one but now I was too old...I had just turned 41. She laughed and said no I wasn't...I should train and we could run Baltimore together in October. She said it was a "fun" marathon--- never mentioning those hills I learned about later! She told me how it ended with running into Camden yards and how supportive the crowd is...the gummy bear guy, the beer table guy...even the crack addicts on the corners! She was so excited! I got wrapped up in the moment and said OK! Let's do it!
I had no idea what I was in for. I was going to be training alone--she lives in Chicago! I started googling stuff and was thinking I may have gotten in over my head! I hadn't run in forever! Every now and then I had tried to run again...never lasting more than 2 trips out. My usband couldn't even get me to go to the park to WALK with him. What the hell was I thinking?
I had already started telling people at work that I was going to do it. This is what really committed me to it. I didn't want to feel like a quitter! And I hadn't even started running at this point!
I found Hal Higdon's plan. It seemed like I could do it. I started with a program to get me up to 6 miles. But first I had to get up to 3 miles. That seemed so easy.....I mean c'mon I was a Cross Country runner...3 miles is nothing...right?!??!
I started right around the first of March. I had it all mapped out on my computer calendar...how many weeks til I had to start the 6 mile program and then how many til I started the marathon program. I think the marathon one was 18 weeks and the other one 12? His website is different now, but if My memory serves me (and it usually doesn't!!)...
That first run was a JOKE! I ran about 2 minutes! I hate the cold...at this point I haven't purchased any running stuff. I am in nasty sweats, sweatshirt and just miserable! Ok just checked --I started March 2nd and "ran" a mile....with lots of walking. Referring back to the calendar, it looks like most weeks I was "running" 4 days a week and cross training one...mostly walking as my cross training, though I did a recumbent bike a time or two. By April 2nd I was up to 3.5 miles!! I don't know it I was running the whole time yet. June 11th was my first 6 miler and 18 weeks until the marathon. The real training had begun. There would never be a week that didn't have a 6 miler in it.
I am not sure when I fully committed....purchasing my race entry. I am sure it was before this point, I am a worrier and I was worried it would sell out and that would SUCK! Once I paid the entry fee I knew I would never quit. Running a marathon is not CHEAP! Plus once I got my entry, my cousin got her's. And she needed to book airfare and a hotel....there was no way I would let her down.
It wasn't easy. My OCD helped...if the schedule said to run..well dammit I was going to run! I ran in the heat and I ran in the rain...that summer was one of the hottest on record....I LIKED when it rained! I had so much support from my husband. When the runs started getting too long for one water bottle, he would meet me to bring me a fresh cold one, and a snack and a water bottle to spritz me. I may have ran the miles alone but I didn't train alone. I truly couldn't have done it without his support!
I remember a particularly bad run...schedule called for 8 and for some dumb reason I ran at noon...most of my runs were done late evening. I was only working 3 days a week at the time so I don't really know why I chose that time...(By the way I have no idea how people work full time and have families and train for marathons---much respect to them!) Anyway... I had being doing really well with my runs but this one I got overheated and had to walk...I thought I had got past that point and it really upset me and made me second guess whether I would be able to run a marathon, when i couldn't finish a measly 8. I found support from some running forums and realized that this could just be a one time thing and not to get too worked up over it. The rest of my runs went really well!
I had some concerns about my IT band but googled some exercises and got through it. My one knee wanted to ache anytime I ran more than 16 and that concerned me but there weren't THAT many runs on the schedule longer than that...so I ran on. I did get really good shoes and a GPS watch....those expenses early on also kept me motivated. I didn't want to have spent that money for nothing!
I learned all about fueling on long runs....things I never even considered when I put marathon on my bucket list. I didn't really think about the fact that there would be such specific training plans, let alone fueling concerns. Hal Higdon's site was a lifesaver for this naive newbie!
I never got into gels and GU and what not. I figured a carb is a carb and gummy lifesavers and spice drops where quite handy to bring on my runs! I hate Gatorade so found a recipe online to make my own.
When I ran my 20 miler...the longest training run...I actually teared up realizing I WAS actually going to do THIS! I was so excited for taper time because even after all of this training mentally I still was a couch potato....I still made my husband park in the closet spot at the mall! I also planned on running the marathon and being done! That's it...no more exercising. But my mind and body had other plans.
So I guess this post became about my marathon training.......I could write another whole post on my actual marathon experience but I will try to sum it up here instead.
My cousin was amazing. She knew I wanted to run 4:30 (that's 4 hours 30 minutes for you non runners that are still here...and also the time Oprah ran). She never said don't set a time or that's unrealistic for someone with so little training or even how fast I was running my training runs. (My pace on my 20 miler was over 11 min/mile) You need about a 10 min/mile pace for my goal. One minute per mile may not sound like much but over 26 miles....it adds up! Our first miles were uphill, just slightly but our pace was SLOW-- I just looked they weren't as slow as I thought -- in the 11's. But we had a whole bunch of miles (about 8 of them from mile 5 to 13) around 9:30. We even had a potty break that added precious minutes. Around mile 17 it started to get tough...I broke a cardinal rule..do NOT try new things in a race....I was tempted by the snickers a spectator was offering...chocolate and running don't mix(with me!) plus we were starting up the hill! Oh and we had just run 16 miles...some pretty fast for me! I know at mile 9 I felt great...saw our hubbies and they got a picture and I remember feeling reallllly good!
Don't remember when but I started walking through the water stations and when they (those helpful spectators!) said it was all downhill , I got excited....except there was the teeniest uphill to cross a bridge and I HAD to walk..I knew we were close and I knew the time was close but I HAD TO WALK...I could feel the blisters on the tips of my toes...Then the crowds really picked up and I started welling up....less than a mile to go....I may not do it in 4:30 but I would do it even if I crawled!!
I saw the timing clock and I am sure I visibly slumped...It was at the 4:30 mark and I still had yards to go....I could I be so close and YES it mattered! My cousin reminded me that that was GUN time not CHIP time.... I could still do it...and I sprinted...well it felt like sprinting! across the finished line....My time ended up being 4:29:26.....YEAH!!
The End
So that was it....but it wasn't.. I wanted to run and tried to run but my knee said NO...then I was mad... I WANTED to run...so I kept active with the bike and walking and finally 6 weeks later I could run without pain! And signing up for more races--including a mud run--which is when I realized I could run but still was NOT "in shape".
I kept reading and learning more about running "right"... I learned core strength would help my running. Maybe if I didn't heel strike my knee wouldn't hurt...so I tried barefoot running...and then I found Jillian. I decided I wanted to do a pull up and that was my next challenge...and that's how I stay interested...keep finding things I can't do and then doing them...and right now I need a new challenge.
I went 3 months without DVD's so just getting back into that is my challenge for now....but I really need a running challenge...and so the search begins...what's next? A 50K? Or a longer mud run? We will see.
Where was I? This is definitely going to be a disorganized mess so settle in and bear with me.
I mentioned I did pretty well (or is it good?--damn grammar Nazi's always making me second guess myself--I gave up on punctuation, damn commas!). I broke the 6 minute mile mark...once. I would love to get in the 6's now. I don't do a lot of speed training and never had access to a track but back in PA, I did get down to 7:30 without an all out effort. Right now it's just too damn hot...I am lucky to run a couple feet at an 8 minute mile....did I lose all of you non-runners yet?
This is boring even me!
Why I stopped running.
I ran in 9th, 10th and 11th grade. I was dating a guy a year ahead of me. After he went off to college I just didn't care about running anymore. Oh and I was starting to suck...and when you have low self esteem you certainly don't need to keep doing something to remind you that you suck! I was getting thighs, which my coach informed me wasn't a good thing for runners...oh to have that scrawny little body I hated in middle school. There was a better runner on the team..(who may be reading this? -- sorry we were good friends but part of me hated that you came in an stole all the attention!) and hey it was my Senior year, aren't we supposed to slack off?? So I just stopped...and that was it. Didn't think about it for years. Didn't exercise at all really...just some water skiing here and there.
Then I heard about Oprah running a marathon and I thought if she could do it maybe I could do it. I put it in my bucket list and would mention it from time to time but never really even thought about what it would mean to run 26.2 miles. I kept saying I'll do it...before I turn 30...before I hit 35 before 40. Then I thought surely I was too old....
Why I started running again.
It's the annual Family Christmas get together in 2009 and my cousin is there...I forget how the topic came up, maybe she had just ran another marathon (she's run a lot!)...we may have mentioned the Biggest Loser's running marathons (after seeing that I really became interested in running a marathon again)...I don't know what happened but I said I had always wanted to run one but now I was too old...I had just turned 41. She laughed and said no I wasn't...I should train and we could run Baltimore together in October. She said it was a "fun" marathon--- never mentioning those hills I learned about later! She told me how it ended with running into Camden yards and how supportive the crowd is...the gummy bear guy, the beer table guy...even the crack addicts on the corners! She was so excited! I got wrapped up in the moment and said OK! Let's do it!
I had no idea what I was in for. I was going to be training alone--she lives in Chicago! I started googling stuff and was thinking I may have gotten in over my head! I hadn't run in forever! Every now and then I had tried to run again...never lasting more than 2 trips out. My usband couldn't even get me to go to the park to WALK with him. What the hell was I thinking?
I had already started telling people at work that I was going to do it. This is what really committed me to it. I didn't want to feel like a quitter! And I hadn't even started running at this point!
I found Hal Higdon's plan. It seemed like I could do it. I started with a program to get me up to 6 miles. But first I had to get up to 3 miles. That seemed so easy.....I mean c'mon I was a Cross Country runner...3 miles is nothing...right?!??!
I started right around the first of March. I had it all mapped out on my computer calendar...how many weeks til I had to start the 6 mile program and then how many til I started the marathon program. I think the marathon one was 18 weeks and the other one 12? His website is different now, but if My memory serves me (and it usually doesn't!!)...
That first run was a JOKE! I ran about 2 minutes! I hate the cold...at this point I haven't purchased any running stuff. I am in nasty sweats, sweatshirt and just miserable! Ok just checked --I started March 2nd and "ran" a mile....with lots of walking. Referring back to the calendar, it looks like most weeks I was "running" 4 days a week and cross training one...mostly walking as my cross training, though I did a recumbent bike a time or two. By April 2nd I was up to 3.5 miles!! I don't know it I was running the whole time yet. June 11th was my first 6 miler and 18 weeks until the marathon. The real training had begun. There would never be a week that didn't have a 6 miler in it.
I am not sure when I fully committed....purchasing my race entry. I am sure it was before this point, I am a worrier and I was worried it would sell out and that would SUCK! Once I paid the entry fee I knew I would never quit. Running a marathon is not CHEAP! Plus once I got my entry, my cousin got her's. And she needed to book airfare and a hotel....there was no way I would let her down.
It wasn't easy. My OCD helped...if the schedule said to run..well dammit I was going to run! I ran in the heat and I ran in the rain...that summer was one of the hottest on record....I LIKED when it rained! I had so much support from my husband. When the runs started getting too long for one water bottle, he would meet me to bring me a fresh cold one, and a snack and a water bottle to spritz me. I may have ran the miles alone but I didn't train alone. I truly couldn't have done it without his support!
I remember a particularly bad run...schedule called for 8 and for some dumb reason I ran at noon...most of my runs were done late evening. I was only working 3 days a week at the time so I don't really know why I chose that time...(By the way I have no idea how people work full time and have families and train for marathons---much respect to them!) Anyway... I had being doing really well with my runs but this one I got overheated and had to walk...I thought I had got past that point and it really upset me and made me second guess whether I would be able to run a marathon, when i couldn't finish a measly 8. I found support from some running forums and realized that this could just be a one time thing and not to get too worked up over it. The rest of my runs went really well!
I had some concerns about my IT band but googled some exercises and got through it. My one knee wanted to ache anytime I ran more than 16 and that concerned me but there weren't THAT many runs on the schedule longer than that...so I ran on. I did get really good shoes and a GPS watch....those expenses early on also kept me motivated. I didn't want to have spent that money for nothing!
I learned all about fueling on long runs....things I never even considered when I put marathon on my bucket list. I didn't really think about the fact that there would be such specific training plans, let alone fueling concerns. Hal Higdon's site was a lifesaver for this naive newbie!
I never got into gels and GU and what not. I figured a carb is a carb and gummy lifesavers and spice drops where quite handy to bring on my runs! I hate Gatorade so found a recipe online to make my own.
When I ran my 20 miler...the longest training run...I actually teared up realizing I WAS actually going to do THIS! I was so excited for taper time because even after all of this training mentally I still was a couch potato....I still made my husband park in the closet spot at the mall! I also planned on running the marathon and being done! That's it...no more exercising. But my mind and body had other plans.
So I guess this post became about my marathon training.......I could write another whole post on my actual marathon experience but I will try to sum it up here instead.
My cousin was amazing. She knew I wanted to run 4:30 (that's 4 hours 30 minutes for you non runners that are still here...and also the time Oprah ran). She never said don't set a time or that's unrealistic for someone with so little training or even how fast I was running my training runs. (My pace on my 20 miler was over 11 min/mile) You need about a 10 min/mile pace for my goal. One minute per mile may not sound like much but over 26 miles....it adds up! Our first miles were uphill, just slightly but our pace was SLOW-- I just looked they weren't as slow as I thought -- in the 11's. But we had a whole bunch of miles (about 8 of them from mile 5 to 13) around 9:30. We even had a potty break that added precious minutes. Around mile 17 it started to get tough...I broke a cardinal rule..do NOT try new things in a race....I was tempted by the snickers a spectator was offering...chocolate and running don't mix(with me!) plus we were starting up the hill! Oh and we had just run 16 miles...some pretty fast for me! I know at mile 9 I felt great...saw our hubbies and they got a picture and I remember feeling reallllly good!
Don't remember when but I started walking through the water stations and when they (those helpful spectators!) said it was all downhill , I got excited....except there was the teeniest uphill to cross a bridge and I HAD to walk..I knew we were close and I knew the time was close but I HAD TO WALK...I could feel the blisters on the tips of my toes...Then the crowds really picked up and I started welling up....less than a mile to go....I may not do it in 4:30 but I would do it even if I crawled!!
I saw the timing clock and I am sure I visibly slumped...It was at the 4:30 mark and I still had yards to go....I could I be so close and YES it mattered! My cousin reminded me that that was GUN time not CHIP time.... I could still do it...and I sprinted...well it felt like sprinting! across the finished line....My time ended up being 4:29:26.....YEAH!!
The End
So that was it....but it wasn't.. I wanted to run and tried to run but my knee said NO...then I was mad... I WANTED to run...so I kept active with the bike and walking and finally 6 weeks later I could run without pain! And signing up for more races--including a mud run--which is when I realized I could run but still was NOT "in shape".
I kept reading and learning more about running "right"... I learned core strength would help my running. Maybe if I didn't heel strike my knee wouldn't hurt...so I tried barefoot running...and then I found Jillian. I decided I wanted to do a pull up and that was my next challenge...and that's how I stay interested...keep finding things I can't do and then doing them...and right now I need a new challenge.
I went 3 months without DVD's so just getting back into that is my challenge for now....but I really need a running challenge...and so the search begins...what's next? A 50K? Or a longer mud run? We will see.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Suicide
Suicide. For most people it is impossible to understand how someone could take their own life. The only way to have even the tiniest glimpse of understanding is to have been there yourself.
I have been suicidal and have a family member that has attempted suicide and other family members who have thought about it. I never tried but gave it lots of thought. This occurred during my Middle School years. It started not too long after moving to Pennsylvania. I was in 4th grade, had just gotten a horrible hair cut--I always had very long hair and had gotten a "pixie" cut, I guess that's the cute name for it. A substitute teacher mistook me for a boy and it all went down hill from there.
I had a hard time making new friends. I went about it all wrong. I had a fake confidence that came off obnoxious. I can remember when I would go to the chalkboard to do a math problem I would sign my name Ann Smith the Great. I did end up with a small group of really close friends but I kind of felt like the mutt. Believing they were with me out of pity. I had horrible orange hair that I never washed (why bother I was so ugly anyway). Tons of freckles. I had to start wearing glasses in 4th grade...four eyes. My teeth were yellow. I was small for my age. And I wore ugly hand me downs from the 70's. These are all things I remember begging God to change. To top it all off, my younger sister had tons of "boyfriends", she got "married" several times, walking down the aisle of the school bus. She was the pretty one and I was the smart one.
I think it was 6 th grade, maybe 7th, there was a suicide pact by some girls in the grade ahead of us. One survived and got held back to our year. She always dressed in the bathroom stalls in the gym locker room. The gossip was she shot herself in the stomach because she was pregnant. The school and community's reaction was stupid. They banned wearing bandanas, because these girls used to wear them--WTF?!?! Is THAT what made them want to die?? At a church dance the Queen song Don't Try Suicide came on...there was a hush and then it was immediately banned from ever being played...Would THAT stop us from thinking about it?
There were other suicides but none in a pact so they didn't get the fanfare that these girls got. Adults didn't want to acknowledge the problem because why? Would that make the rest of us get "bad ideas"? NEWSFLASH! I had already thought about suicide....when God wouldn't fix my vision or my hair color or give me the "curves" a girl was supposed to have, I would beg him to just take me, I didn't want to live being ugly anymore.
There weren't guns in my house, or pills, these were the main ideas I had on how to "do it". We didn't have the internet to give me other ideas...I didn't even consider hanging myself or carbon monoxide poisoning. I did think about slitting my wrists but was afraid I wouldn't die fast enough. Would I have been successful had I grown up now...with so much access to information that could "help" me?
What saved me?
Running saved me. At the end of 8th grade the high school Cross Country coach sent a note stating that my time in the 800 yard (meter--I forget what we did back then) was really good. Would I consider running for the team? I did. And I was good....better than even he expected. I placed 2nd in the county my freshmen year. Finally I was more than just smart...because that was not something to be proud of. I was good at a SPORT! I ran track in the Spring and was good at that, too! I was one of a very few that got a Varsity jacket in my sophomore year. Better still, I met a boy on the team...a boy who liked me! And just like that the suicidal thoughts were gone!
Even with all the money woes I would experience in college. Even with the boyfriend who cheated on me for 8 months before I found out...NOTHING has ever brought me back to the despair I felt in Middle School. Now with hormones raging with Peri Menopause... I have fleeting suicidal thoughts, but they make me laugh...because I LOVE my life and I know that it just hormones fucking with me and that in a few minutes or hours the thought will pass. But back then, there were days, weeks and months were I just wanted to stop hurting...stop being ugly. Stop feeling alone. Survivors of suicidal thoughts or attempts try to verbalize the darkness but you just can NOT understand how dark it is...how hopeless everything seems when you are there and usually the thoughts compound each other and keep making things seems worse. You can't find reasons to live. Even thinking about the pain you will cause your family makes you feel weaker and proves your thoughts that you don't deserve to be alive.
People say what could make a child so unhappy that they could think like this at such a young age...they haven't lived enough to have enough problems to warrant suicidal thoughts. Those people don't realize that your self esteem can be so low and you don't see that one day you will grow past the ugly stage. One day you will find someone who makes you feel beautiful all the time. One day you will find someone who doesn't see any flaws or loves you in spite of them. All you see ahead of you is more days filled with taunting "Red headed sped, freckled face freak". "I'd rather be dead than red on the head" and I did feel that way...I wanted to be DEAD.
I am thankful that I didn't know about other options or that access to ways to kill myself in rural PA were limited. I am grateful for that note from the running coach. I still believe the school could have handled things differently and maybe that young boy, with the memorial in the back of the yearbook, the one no one knew about because he killed himself alone, maybe they could have helped him. Because me not wearing a bandana certainly didn't help him.
It is talked about more today... a girl at my son's high school killed herself and the school offered counseling but is that enough? What can we do?
When actors, good looking, successful, actors are killing themselves have we really found any sort of solution to help people? Doesn't mental illness still have a stigma attached to it? Look at our soldiers...no one talks about the suicides of those that come home. One tiny article here or there but no real discussion. We hear about the deaths from military choppers going down but no one reports on the daily suicides going on. What can we do?
I was lucky...running was my answer...and only because it boosted my self esteem...what if I had sucked? It would have just been another failure. And I wouldn't have had the confidence to flirt with that boy and the darkness would have still been there. And one day it may have figured out a way to win. Rick Springfield gives the darkness a name, a persona...it's Mr. D. In his autobiography he describes his depression vividly, with such truth and honesty. I know because I had a Mr.D and he was constantly telling me I didn't measure up and pointing out all of my flaws. He is still haunted by Mr.D, at 64, after a lifetime of successes. I am so fortunate that I "outgrew" my Mr.D...or learned to tell him to fuck off and he did. I don't even think I had suicidal thoughts all of my years in therapy. The only time I really remember wanting to die was in Middle School.
Even with my fleeting hormonal thoughts, and my past with suicidal thoughts...I have a hard time understanding how someone doesn't want to live as long as they possibly can. Every day brings with it new possibilities, new higher heights of happiness. The good far outweighs the bad and every day takes me miles away from that dark place and that's why it's easy to question how someone can take their life...because I am so, so far away from that lonely, tired, ugly girl.
Some Stats
Taken from suicide.org : Approximately 30,000 people in the US die every year from suicide --this is about the same amount that die from the flu...you can get a flu shot from every damn pharmacy but who talks about suicides and how to stop them?
750,000 people ATTEMPT suicide...that's 3/4 of a million people---that's a LOT of unhappy people! And this is WITH all the damn antidepressants people are on! 1 out of 25 that try succeed.
It is the THIRD leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 24! And there have been suicides of children under the age of 10!
More people die from suicide than from homicide.
In 2009 the number of people who die from suicide surpassed the number that die from motor vehicle deaths. (According to the CDC)
FOUR times as many males kill themselves than females! Although 3 times as many females TRY!
If you live in a home with a firearm you are 5 times more likely to die by suicide.
In 2000, according to a Dept of Health report, among 12-17 year olds, every day 2700 youths attempted suicide that is 2 attempts per minute!
Suicides rates are even higher among homosexuals--30% of all completed suicides among youth are by homosexuals, perhaps with society's acceptance this number can decrease but waht about the other 70%-how do we help them?
Why do we have a war on drugs but no war on suicide? Why are we so affected by mass school shootings when we are losing children every day to suicide?
I have been suicidal and have a family member that has attempted suicide and other family members who have thought about it. I never tried but gave it lots of thought. This occurred during my Middle School years. It started not too long after moving to Pennsylvania. I was in 4th grade, had just gotten a horrible hair cut--I always had very long hair and had gotten a "pixie" cut, I guess that's the cute name for it. A substitute teacher mistook me for a boy and it all went down hill from there.
I had a hard time making new friends. I went about it all wrong. I had a fake confidence that came off obnoxious. I can remember when I would go to the chalkboard to do a math problem I would sign my name Ann Smith the Great. I did end up with a small group of really close friends but I kind of felt like the mutt. Believing they were with me out of pity. I had horrible orange hair that I never washed (why bother I was so ugly anyway). Tons of freckles. I had to start wearing glasses in 4th grade...four eyes. My teeth were yellow. I was small for my age. And I wore ugly hand me downs from the 70's. These are all things I remember begging God to change. To top it all off, my younger sister had tons of "boyfriends", she got "married" several times, walking down the aisle of the school bus. She was the pretty one and I was the smart one.
I think it was 6 th grade, maybe 7th, there was a suicide pact by some girls in the grade ahead of us. One survived and got held back to our year. She always dressed in the bathroom stalls in the gym locker room. The gossip was she shot herself in the stomach because she was pregnant. The school and community's reaction was stupid. They banned wearing bandanas, because these girls used to wear them--WTF?!?! Is THAT what made them want to die?? At a church dance the Queen song Don't Try Suicide came on...there was a hush and then it was immediately banned from ever being played...Would THAT stop us from thinking about it?
There were other suicides but none in a pact so they didn't get the fanfare that these girls got. Adults didn't want to acknowledge the problem because why? Would that make the rest of us get "bad ideas"? NEWSFLASH! I had already thought about suicide....when God wouldn't fix my vision or my hair color or give me the "curves" a girl was supposed to have, I would beg him to just take me, I didn't want to live being ugly anymore.
There weren't guns in my house, or pills, these were the main ideas I had on how to "do it". We didn't have the internet to give me other ideas...I didn't even consider hanging myself or carbon monoxide poisoning. I did think about slitting my wrists but was afraid I wouldn't die fast enough. Would I have been successful had I grown up now...with so much access to information that could "help" me?
What saved me?
Running saved me. At the end of 8th grade the high school Cross Country coach sent a note stating that my time in the 800 yard (meter--I forget what we did back then) was really good. Would I consider running for the team? I did. And I was good....better than even he expected. I placed 2nd in the county my freshmen year. Finally I was more than just smart...because that was not something to be proud of. I was good at a SPORT! I ran track in the Spring and was good at that, too! I was one of a very few that got a Varsity jacket in my sophomore year. Better still, I met a boy on the team...a boy who liked me! And just like that the suicidal thoughts were gone!
Even with all the money woes I would experience in college. Even with the boyfriend who cheated on me for 8 months before I found out...NOTHING has ever brought me back to the despair I felt in Middle School. Now with hormones raging with Peri Menopause... I have fleeting suicidal thoughts, but they make me laugh...because I LOVE my life and I know that it just hormones fucking with me and that in a few minutes or hours the thought will pass. But back then, there were days, weeks and months were I just wanted to stop hurting...stop being ugly. Stop feeling alone. Survivors of suicidal thoughts or attempts try to verbalize the darkness but you just can NOT understand how dark it is...how hopeless everything seems when you are there and usually the thoughts compound each other and keep making things seems worse. You can't find reasons to live. Even thinking about the pain you will cause your family makes you feel weaker and proves your thoughts that you don't deserve to be alive.
People say what could make a child so unhappy that they could think like this at such a young age...they haven't lived enough to have enough problems to warrant suicidal thoughts. Those people don't realize that your self esteem can be so low and you don't see that one day you will grow past the ugly stage. One day you will find someone who makes you feel beautiful all the time. One day you will find someone who doesn't see any flaws or loves you in spite of them. All you see ahead of you is more days filled with taunting "Red headed sped, freckled face freak". "I'd rather be dead than red on the head" and I did feel that way...I wanted to be DEAD.
I am thankful that I didn't know about other options or that access to ways to kill myself in rural PA were limited. I am grateful for that note from the running coach. I still believe the school could have handled things differently and maybe that young boy, with the memorial in the back of the yearbook, the one no one knew about because he killed himself alone, maybe they could have helped him. Because me not wearing a bandana certainly didn't help him.
It is talked about more today... a girl at my son's high school killed herself and the school offered counseling but is that enough? What can we do?
When actors, good looking, successful, actors are killing themselves have we really found any sort of solution to help people? Doesn't mental illness still have a stigma attached to it? Look at our soldiers...no one talks about the suicides of those that come home. One tiny article here or there but no real discussion. We hear about the deaths from military choppers going down but no one reports on the daily suicides going on. What can we do?
I was lucky...running was my answer...and only because it boosted my self esteem...what if I had sucked? It would have just been another failure. And I wouldn't have had the confidence to flirt with that boy and the darkness would have still been there. And one day it may have figured out a way to win. Rick Springfield gives the darkness a name, a persona...it's Mr. D. In his autobiography he describes his depression vividly, with such truth and honesty. I know because I had a Mr.D and he was constantly telling me I didn't measure up and pointing out all of my flaws. He is still haunted by Mr.D, at 64, after a lifetime of successes. I am so fortunate that I "outgrew" my Mr.D...or learned to tell him to fuck off and he did. I don't even think I had suicidal thoughts all of my years in therapy. The only time I really remember wanting to die was in Middle School.
Even with my fleeting hormonal thoughts, and my past with suicidal thoughts...I have a hard time understanding how someone doesn't want to live as long as they possibly can. Every day brings with it new possibilities, new higher heights of happiness. The good far outweighs the bad and every day takes me miles away from that dark place and that's why it's easy to question how someone can take their life...because I am so, so far away from that lonely, tired, ugly girl.
Some Stats
Taken from suicide.org : Approximately 30,000 people in the US die every year from suicide --this is about the same amount that die from the flu...you can get a flu shot from every damn pharmacy but who talks about suicides and how to stop them?
750,000 people ATTEMPT suicide...that's 3/4 of a million people---that's a LOT of unhappy people! And this is WITH all the damn antidepressants people are on! 1 out of 25 that try succeed.
It is the THIRD leading cause of death for people aged 15 to 24! And there have been suicides of children under the age of 10!
More people die from suicide than from homicide.
In 2009 the number of people who die from suicide surpassed the number that die from motor vehicle deaths. (According to the CDC)
FOUR times as many males kill themselves than females! Although 3 times as many females TRY!
If you live in a home with a firearm you are 5 times more likely to die by suicide.
In 2000, according to a Dept of Health report, among 12-17 year olds, every day 2700 youths attempted suicide that is 2 attempts per minute!
Suicides rates are even higher among homosexuals--30% of all completed suicides among youth are by homosexuals, perhaps with society's acceptance this number can decrease but waht about the other 70%-how do we help them?
Why do we have a war on drugs but no war on suicide? Why are we so affected by mass school shootings when we are losing children every day to suicide?
Friday, August 16, 2013
Tearful goodbye
It's pre dawn Friday morning. I woke up at 5 am and realized this is it. He isn't going to just walk into a room and start rattling off movie quotes, that both make me laugh and also amaze me at his gift for not only remembering every friggin' word but most of the time doing a pretty good impression as well!
I tried to go back to sleep. I am not a morning person on my best days. I want to be in the best of moods today, as if sleep would help that today. But as luck would have it...dealing with a really bad hot flash...maybe they are stress induced? My mouth is parched, my face is wet with tears that won't stop flowing.
I am second guessing the move. Knowing it would have only delayed the inevitable. He is an adult. It is time for him to start his own life. I will not be the center of his universe ever again. Does it give me solace to know I did good? Some kids you can't throw out of the nest, he is moving on anxiously. I know he loves me, he just loves his independence too. And that's a good thing, I taught him to be independent. I know staying on the East coast that I would have gotten to spend a lunch or dinner with him on occasion (well, I THINK I would have--it's only recently that he started going out with me--one day I will get the truth about why he refused to be seen in public with us--I hope). I remind myself that 4 more years as a pharmacist would have left me so drained...I counted down the years, months, days until I could finally be done! I suppose I could have quit back there but still stayed but...well I can make a million excuses but it was just time. Time to make the move. And it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't be fair to me or Dave to stay there for just a few moments that may or may not have come.
I hated interrupting my college life to go home on the weekends. I want him to enjoy every minute of college life. I didn't want to burden him with splitting time between seeing his father and me on the weekends...what a pain in the ass that would have been. And yet now that feels like an excuse to justify my moving. I discussed the move with him many, many times...he says he understands, he says he wanted me to do it. But he's very good at hiding his feelings so who knows how he really feels.
He has spent 6 weeks here in California. He spent them the same way that he spent the last 4 years. In his room. I tell myself that 's who he is...he's a lot like me. I am happy being alone. I have wondered if it's just some gene that causes me to be less attached, less needy than others who seem so overly sentimental. But after the past few weeks, I realize perhaps I do have emotions...because this is HARD. Really, really hard. It is out of my control. There's no going back for a do-over, to make him a momma's boy. I did good....right? This is the way it is supposed to be. You raise them, they go out and start their own wonderful life. Then they have kids and it starts all over...or does it? Do men feel the same way about their kids? Or is this because I carried him for 9 months so so close to me?
I keep trying to see the future (my therapist called this fortune telling(original hunh?)--it's a useless road to go down, because NO ONE knows the future). I want him to be happy and I want that happiness to lead him back here. But it will it really matter? He will never live under my roof again. I won't be the center of his universe (I know I have already said that--I really like him being dependent on me). If he does end up out here...would there be Sunday dinners every week? I don't know...the person he is now, no. But I think he's at the pulling away stage and may come back around to remembering that Dave and I are fun and that he LIKES to spend time with us.
I have told him that I am going to pretend he's still down there in his room. We only saw him for a few minutes while he ate a bowl of cereal and then a few minutes for dinner and the last couple of days he's been watching some TV with us (he's a good boy, trying to make it easier for me!). I told him I will just text him when it's dinner time ..he suggested a mental hospital! He is so funny...I really like him. He's a good kid..and I am proud. I just didn't expect this to be so hard. God help me at the airport...hopefully my tear ducts will be empty by then....
And there you have it...I can pretend to be an ass but alas, I am human. And first and foremost a mother....it doesn't stop just because he's 18....my mom was right about that. I really wanted to run today, I have been slacking because my motivation to do anything just isn't there...I have been dreading this day. Now I know I can't run today...not without crying. When I run, I think. All I can think about is 1:15, when his plane takes off. All I can think about is how sweet and precious he was when he was little....and how he still is little to me....well I want him to be...just for a little longer....
I tried to go back to sleep. I am not a morning person on my best days. I want to be in the best of moods today, as if sleep would help that today. But as luck would have it...dealing with a really bad hot flash...maybe they are stress induced? My mouth is parched, my face is wet with tears that won't stop flowing.
I am second guessing the move. Knowing it would have only delayed the inevitable. He is an adult. It is time for him to start his own life. I will not be the center of his universe ever again. Does it give me solace to know I did good? Some kids you can't throw out of the nest, he is moving on anxiously. I know he loves me, he just loves his independence too. And that's a good thing, I taught him to be independent. I know staying on the East coast that I would have gotten to spend a lunch or dinner with him on occasion (well, I THINK I would have--it's only recently that he started going out with me--one day I will get the truth about why he refused to be seen in public with us--I hope). I remind myself that 4 more years as a pharmacist would have left me so drained...I counted down the years, months, days until I could finally be done! I suppose I could have quit back there but still stayed but...well I can make a million excuses but it was just time. Time to make the move. And it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't be fair to me or Dave to stay there for just a few moments that may or may not have come.
I hated interrupting my college life to go home on the weekends. I want him to enjoy every minute of college life. I didn't want to burden him with splitting time between seeing his father and me on the weekends...what a pain in the ass that would have been. And yet now that feels like an excuse to justify my moving. I discussed the move with him many, many times...he says he understands, he says he wanted me to do it. But he's very good at hiding his feelings so who knows how he really feels.
He has spent 6 weeks here in California. He spent them the same way that he spent the last 4 years. In his room. I tell myself that 's who he is...he's a lot like me. I am happy being alone. I have wondered if it's just some gene that causes me to be less attached, less needy than others who seem so overly sentimental. But after the past few weeks, I realize perhaps I do have emotions...because this is HARD. Really, really hard. It is out of my control. There's no going back for a do-over, to make him a momma's boy. I did good....right? This is the way it is supposed to be. You raise them, they go out and start their own wonderful life. Then they have kids and it starts all over...or does it? Do men feel the same way about their kids? Or is this because I carried him for 9 months so so close to me?
I keep trying to see the future (my therapist called this fortune telling(original hunh?)--it's a useless road to go down, because NO ONE knows the future). I want him to be happy and I want that happiness to lead him back here. But it will it really matter? He will never live under my roof again. I won't be the center of his universe (I know I have already said that--I really like him being dependent on me). If he does end up out here...would there be Sunday dinners every week? I don't know...the person he is now, no. But I think he's at the pulling away stage and may come back around to remembering that Dave and I are fun and that he LIKES to spend time with us.
I have told him that I am going to pretend he's still down there in his room. We only saw him for a few minutes while he ate a bowl of cereal and then a few minutes for dinner and the last couple of days he's been watching some TV with us (he's a good boy, trying to make it easier for me!). I told him I will just text him when it's dinner time ..he suggested a mental hospital! He is so funny...I really like him. He's a good kid..and I am proud. I just didn't expect this to be so hard. God help me at the airport...hopefully my tear ducts will be empty by then....
And there you have it...I can pretend to be an ass but alas, I am human. And first and foremost a mother....it doesn't stop just because he's 18....my mom was right about that. I really wanted to run today, I have been slacking because my motivation to do anything just isn't there...I have been dreading this day. Now I know I can't run today...not without crying. When I run, I think. All I can think about is 1:15, when his plane takes off. All I can think about is how sweet and precious he was when he was little....and how he still is little to me....well I want him to be...just for a little longer....
Monday, August 12, 2013
Want versus Need ---Living with less
Stop! Do you have more than enough money? Are you happy in your current job? Then go away this post isn't for you!! If you decide to read on...get a drink and get comfy...it's a LONG one!
I put myself through college--of course this was a hundred years ago(or 1986-1991) when tuition rates were more reasonable. I often had more than one job, at one point I was working 3 jobs. The first 2 summers I worked at General Motors, which, even then, paid extremely well...but living in rural PA after spending the school year in Philadelphia became intolerable, especially without a driver's license! So I gave us the easy money (if you consider getting up at 4:30 in the morning and working 9 hour days in a factory, in the summer, with no air conditioning easy!--oh and surrounded by perverted 50 some year old men, gawking at my 18 year old naive self), I moved out of the dorm into a year round apartment and began working during school.
I had a spiral weekly calendar (a free Virginia Slims calendar--I wish I was sentimental and had kept it--I didn't even take a picture of it!! (inside joke--sorry!)). In this calendar I tracked EVERY single PENNY I spent. I always knew exactly what I could afford...or more like what I could NOT afford. It wasn't easy watching my friends go to the food truck multiple times a day, getting hot chocolate and snacks between classes. Every now and again I could afford a pretzel or a hot tea, but most days I went without. Visits home would net me care baskets that would include a canned ham (I never could tell Grandma how gross I found those--but hey when you are poor and hungry, cut it up and mix it with some 5 for a dollar mac and cheese and it tasted delightful!), Ramen noodles, 12 packs of Sprite.
Every day for 3 years my lunch was a can of Sprite and a Snickers bar...I have only recently begun to be able to stand the taste of either of them.
Back then I hadn't read about tracking my money and how it could help me save money(many good budgeting books suggest this)...for me it was just a necessity. I rarely had extra money. My last semester I lost my job and couldn't really work while doing 40 hour internships (well I could but I was devasted by a sexual harassment experience--but that's another story). I racked up $3000 on my credit card. I even resorted to stealing a couple rolls of toilet paper from the pharmacy school, I figured my tuition warranted me some toilet paper!
I was lucky, I graduated into a pretty decent profession with a great salary. I graduated in May, was licensed in August and by November owned a house! I enjoyed the big paychecks and forgot about being thrifty. For years I continued this way. I wasted so much money on so many stupid THINGS! Luckily I was smart enough to be in a 401k. I bought things to make me happy because I HATED my job. I stumbled on a book--sorry I forget the name of it-- that helped me calculate my actual earnings. It had me add up the costs of staying in this career. The travel time to the job was included--at this point I was almost always at least 45 minutes each way from home. I added the cost of the "fancy" car, as opposed to a bare bones model. I added all the junk I bought...every new toy that would come out--I loved technology and had to have the new stuff RIGHT NOW! My final tally left me with a wage a couple dollars over minimum wage. That's how much money I wasted. To make myself happy.
This revelation occurred not too long before the market crash in 2008. I just about died when I looked at my 401k balance. The money I lost could have bought soooo many things. But I also realized that if I lost my job, we could never survive on just one salary. We never kept a lot of money in savings. When it would pile up, we would find something to spend it on-- a parrot, a painting...whatever...it just seemed like the money SHOULD be spent. So we made some changes. We refinanced so that our house payment would be low enough for my husband's salary to cover it. We planned on continuing to pay the same amount (about double the new payment) and pay it off sooner than the 30 years but at least if something happened we could afford it. Not too long after this my husband lost his job, he was out of work for almost a year. Not knowing how long he would be out of work, I stopped making the double payments. And we were very careful with our money, we still took vacations, still ate out but were more thoughtful about big purchases that weren't necessary. We also knew we wanted to relocate after my son graduated. Every purchase was made with the thought "Do I want to move this?". We saved tons of money because the answer was always "NO". In that year he was out of work, our savings account grew and grew and grew! I wasn't making more money--I had taken a lower paying job the same day he lost his! Just being nervous made us save money. I was constantly reassessing how much money was going out and how much was coming in. I would guesstimate what our balance would be in 6 months and I was always right on the money, that's how in tune with our money I was. Are you? Do you know what you spend every month? Most people know what they make but don't track what they spend.
The OCD in me takes over and I see the balance rise and then I make arbitrary numbers that I don't want to drop below. I make the money untouchable. It makes you really think about every purchase. We were laughed at by people....because I wouldn't pay full price for anything! Or I would chose restaurants based on coupons, or not letting my son order ANYTHING he wants when we would go out. I set limits...if you get a drink, no appetizer. Or your entree needs to be under 10 dollars. Or we will get ice cream and hot fudge at the store, not order dessert at the restaurant. Mocked mercilessly, some laughed at me all the way to the bankruptcy court. And even now still think I am wrong. My son had learned thrifty ways--is that a bad thing? After we started living this way, he started considering what video games he would buy new, would wait for sales on the website that he downloads games from...why is this funny, why does this make me an ogre of a parent?
How do we do it?
Those who know me, know I do not go without. I have been to Costa Rica, to Africa and spent way too much money on Rick Springfield cruises. I am able to do this because I skimp on other things that people find necessities. I do not have a texting plan. A family plan is what 20/month? That's $240 a year. We have always had basic cable and a slower speed internet...the HORROR! That is currently saving us over $600/year. That's a thousand bucks and that is a 7 day cruise in an inside room (the horror!), when you buy it on the 90 day ticker (last minute cruises for those who aren't picky about going a certain week or on a certain ship or to certain islands!). That's my personal choice...I don't need a million channels and I don't need to text. I prefer the vacation.
What is a need?
I believe you need very little. You need a place to live, but you do not need a mortgage that takes all of your income. You do not need the biggest house, the newest house or a house filled with all the latest greatest stuff....expensive sofas, big TV's, multiple TV's, the best washer/dryer. You may covet them but you do not NEED them. Think about your house, think about the things in your house. Go ahead look around right now...start putting price tags on those things...are you okay with how much you spent on them? Would the money have brought you more happiness spent another way?
This is a personal issue, we all get happiness from different things. I like to travel more than I like to impress someone who comes to visit me. Your views may differ from my views and that's ok. But this is how I feel. Yes, stainless steel appliances would look really nice with my refinished dark cabinets but the number of vacations that I can take with that money is way more important to me. I am no longer a pharmacist, I don't need to revert to my college ways of tracking every penny but I will put lots of thought into every purchase I make. (And YES a piano will bring me lots and lots of joy, even more than several vacations!). (Someone related to me questions this but it is true!!--not you but the one who drank all the soda!!)
I don't judge what others think they need--well unless they are using money borrowed from me than I suppose I can be accused of that!! I just want the same in return.
What else do we NEED?
We need food. We do not need food already cut up for us and packaged nicely. We do not need bottled water (most of us don't--I am sure there are a few who do). We do not need soda. We do not need junk food. We do not need to eat out once or twice or more every week. We do not need to eat whatever we want when we want. We can eat chicken when chicken is on sale and ground beef when it is on sale --(pardon me if it sounds like I don't know what I am talking about-- I haven't grocery shopped in years, this is all based on observations on what I am served for dinner. I know the hubby feeds us very cheaply (for 3 of us it was never more than $400/month) and he doesn't use coupons, so I assume he shops sale items).
We need clothes. We do not need full priced clothes...even my rich friends shop at Marshalls (which is still too expensive for my tastes!). We do not need the most expensive sexy underwear. This is probably one of the easiest categories to save money in. If you aren't sure where your money for next week's groceries are coming from...you probably shouldn't be spending $100 on underwear.
I am going to include health insurance as a need. This is one of our most expensive needs right now. But even though it is a need, I can still give you a list of what you don't need. You don't need the lowest deductible plan (if you have savings that can cover the deductible). You don't NEED the best plan. Maybe you WANT to be able to chose your doctors, but remember it is not a need.
Probably a lot of us need a car, but again what KIND of car do we need?
Did I cover all of the needs? Somewhere to live, something to eat, something to wear, health care and a car.
We don't need a cell phone, even though, apparently the government gives them to the "needy" as if they are a need. And we certainly don't need one with data plans and texting plans and apps.
We don't need satellite radio in our car, or a bazillion channels on our TV, or internet so fast you can download in milliseconds.
We don't need all the toiletries we buy. How much money to you spend on cosmetics?--this means you too men! Do you really need expensive shampoo, conditioner, gel, mousse, hairspray, dyes? Do you need that weekly manicure? Do you need name brand everything? Take a good look in your bathroom...how much money are you wasting? I am not saying all store brand products will work but isn't it worth it to at least try?
Know YOUR wants and needs
I am by no means saying we can't WANT things, or judging what you want. I am just tired of hearing people complain that they can't afford to live. NO! They may not be able to afford the WAY they are living. Make a list of your bills. What MUST you have? What do you WANT? Study your credit card bill...if it's categorized for you, even better. Where is all of your money going? Is it on entertainment? Are you paying interest on that entertainment? Is it worth it--to YOU! It doesn't matter what I think, or your neighbor thinks, or your friend or your family....what do you WANT? Can you get what you want by giving up some of the things you don't need?
I know I had a fortunate life, I was able to save money to make this big move because of a career that I randomly fell into. But I also WORKED to get here. I worked at a job I loathed...loathed! And I went without...do I miss the drinks I didn't order with my meals when I did eat out? Nope. Do I miss the years I went without a smart phone? Nope. Do I miss having a text plan? Nope (thanks iMessaging!) Do I miss HBO and a hundred different sports channels? Nope. Would I have been able to afford this move without changing my ways? Nope.
Even planning the move presented many opportunities to save. I researched tons of options for moving our crap out here. Spent lots of time with a calculator. Spent lots of time on websites. We could have spent over $10,000 easily on this move. All said and done we spent less than half that. We got a great deal on a Dodge Caravan one way rental...shopped 3 different locations and ended up spending half with the location we went with. I spent a lot of time researching shipping options for our cars versus driving one or both of them. I went with the most reputable company with the best price, it was 2 or 3 hundred dollars more than the best price but got the best reviews and sometimes you just can't go with the cheapest alternative. I spent many many days trying to find the cheapest pet friendly hotels (La Quinta) and even then different locations in the same city had different prices.
It was time consuming and not the "easiest" way to get it all done, but then, remember, years ago my therapist warned me the "easy" road sometimes costs more in the end.
It's only....
One way to stop spending money is to stop using the excuse "It's only x dollars per week or month" This money adds up....realize what you are paying per year....does it still sound like "It's only.."?
That dollar coffee every day...5 days a week, 52 weeks a year....that's over $250! That $5 dollar lunch at work...$1200 a year! Add it all up and you can take a vacation. I ALWAYS brought my own water, soda and lunch to work. I would "treat" myself on a rare occasion. THAT's how I vacation so much.
This applies to brand versus generic also. If you are using a product regularly and justify the brand by saying "It's only a dollar more that the store brand", it will add up. If you buy that product a couple times a year, then sure go for the brand...I haven't been able to give up brand name Oil of Olay, been using it since I was 12...I look like the younger sister (call me Olay!!). But if you are buying something regularly...then TRY the store brand....maybe you will prefer it! (We recently discovered that Kroger Mac n Cheese is BETTER than Kraft!!)
In conclusion
It's your life--you know whether you are happy with your current money situation. If you are Great!
If not--what can you do differently to make it better? Even if you are stuck in a job that makes a crappy salary, you can live better...by figuring out what works for you. You don't have to have what everyone else has...you don't have to want what they want...WHAT makes you happy?
What I want...I can live without this big house and my cool convertible, I would sell both tomorrow if I had to. I could live in a small place (the birds would have to go--sorry guys!) and I could live with used furniture and here in CA, I could live with no car. All I need is my husband by my side, and I would say Sprite and Snickers but I would be happier with tap water and I think Ramen noodles are cheaper than Snickers. It may sound sticky sweet but it is true. We have spent the last 3 months together, day in and day out. We have not gotten on each others nerves and have grown even closer, if that is possible. That's what I want and all I really need. Icing on the cake is having some really great friends to spend the weekends with(are you guys still reading? Because the first sentence told you to STOP!). And having my son here...which sadly is about to end....you will probably see an empty nest post in the near future....if you haven't gotten tired of my rambling before then!
And I repeat if you have all the money you need to have everything you want...then by all means GO FOR IT!! But if you think you don't have enough...think again, maybe you are just wasting money on stuff you don't really want and you do have enough for what you really need.
An extreme case example
This is true. Sad but true. A former brother in law of mine, who is pushing 70, is the worst example I have ever personally seen. He whines about not having money and makes so much from his GM retirement and Social Security that I could easily support both me and my husband on it. Yet, he still works(at a job where he actually loses money but won't sell his big rig, even though his accountant told him he is losing tons of money) and is on the verge of his THIRD bankruptcy!
He drinks a 12 pack of Diet Pepsi a day (yes unbelievable!)...but that isn't the worst part...he buys them at convenience stores and gas stations at ridiculous prices, instead of shopping the soda sales that are easily found anywhere! And to top that he gets the money for them from an ATM that charges him double fees (one from his bank, one from the machine). And he takes out 20 dollars at a time, sometimes several times a day....getting those double charges every time!! And half the time getting overdraft charges each time. He also buys stuff just to impress people..people he doesn't even know. He spent over $2000 on a riding lawn mower for his 1/4 acre property, just for bragging rights. He is currently so far in debt that he is about to lose his house and be put in jail for failing to pay the money he promised in the divorce settlement. He is one of those fucked up people we can all learn from. And he thinks the world did this to him...woe is him...he did nothing to deserve this. Of course he isn't nearly as stupid as the woman who married him on the same day his divorce was final....she must be a real treat!!
Thanks for reading....look for some sad posts in the future my son is leaving for college in a few days. Maybe I will do a post about running to distract me.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Lessons learned from fucked up people
Draft two!
So this topic was a request and one I feel strongly about so I will attempt it again.
The first draft really went off on a tangent and was coming across as directly written to/about one particular fucked up person. I want this to just be a simple list. Something I won't ramble on and on about or else it won't end up like a list...so here we go again.
1) Before embarking on a "great" idea, sit with it a while. Research it a bit. Especially if it involves spending money you would need to borrow.
2) Do not lend money to family or friends or hell, anyone. It is a BAD idea. They get your money, they think "Oh hell, they don't NEED it, so no hurry to pay it back" then you get to watch them piss away money and you better bite your tongue because they do NOT want lessons on budgeting or WANT versus NEED.
3) How great of a parent you are. You think you suck at it...but just look around, I guarantee, you can find fucked up people fucking up future generations. Hell, just go to Walmart....can't spend less than a hundred bucks, can't not see a bad parent....
4)Fucked up people tend to be stuck somewhere in time...probably the part of their life that was the best....learn from them...hair styles change, clothing changes....get out of the past already!
5)We all make mistakes...fucked up people make the same ones over and over and over....try to look at your life from someone else's point of view...are you constantly whining about the same things...then stop FUCKING repeating your mistakes!
6) Fucked up people don't want advice from others, hell they don't even think they NEED the advice. Their's is the good life....we are the ones that have it all wrong...
7) Fucked up people surround themselves with more fucked up people....it ends up as one big cluster fuck of fuck ups...you need to avoid being around this...it is both sad and irritating at the same time.
and finally
8) When a fucked up person wants you out of their life...don't fight it....you may find your happiness has suddenly increased by infinity-fold
To the person who requested this post....I love you dearly but will not publish any comments which throws any particular fucked up people under the bus.
This post is intended merely to guide others in identifying fucked up people and to realize they do have a purpose..to help us all appreciate our lives.
So this topic was a request and one I feel strongly about so I will attempt it again.
The first draft really went off on a tangent and was coming across as directly written to/about one particular fucked up person. I want this to just be a simple list. Something I won't ramble on and on about or else it won't end up like a list...so here we go again.
1) Before embarking on a "great" idea, sit with it a while. Research it a bit. Especially if it involves spending money you would need to borrow.
2) Do not lend money to family or friends or hell, anyone. It is a BAD idea. They get your money, they think "Oh hell, they don't NEED it, so no hurry to pay it back" then you get to watch them piss away money and you better bite your tongue because they do NOT want lessons on budgeting or WANT versus NEED.
3) How great of a parent you are. You think you suck at it...but just look around, I guarantee, you can find fucked up people fucking up future generations. Hell, just go to Walmart....can't spend less than a hundred bucks, can't not see a bad parent....
4)Fucked up people tend to be stuck somewhere in time...probably the part of their life that was the best....learn from them...hair styles change, clothing changes....get out of the past already!
5)We all make mistakes...fucked up people make the same ones over and over and over....try to look at your life from someone else's point of view...are you constantly whining about the same things...then stop FUCKING repeating your mistakes!
6) Fucked up people don't want advice from others, hell they don't even think they NEED the advice. Their's is the good life....we are the ones that have it all wrong...
7) Fucked up people surround themselves with more fucked up people....it ends up as one big cluster fuck of fuck ups...you need to avoid being around this...it is both sad and irritating at the same time.
and finally
8) When a fucked up person wants you out of their life...don't fight it....you may find your happiness has suddenly increased by infinity-fold
To the person who requested this post....I love you dearly but will not publish any comments which throws any particular fucked up people under the bus.
This post is intended merely to guide others in identifying fucked up people and to realize they do have a purpose..to help us all appreciate our lives.
Monday, August 5, 2013
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